I found this sometime last year stashed in a used book in the library bookstore where I work. I wish I could remember which book it was. It’s too funny not to share, so here it is, unabridged — minus the personal contact info.
Subj: Hi from Missouri
Date: 5/26/2006 9:35:46 AM US Mountain Standard Time
Dear Cliff — I received your email. Well, I perceive that what happened to you in Arizona is just like a regular, normal day for you in Missouri. 😛
Hang in there. We don’t have many more years to put up with our ailing bodies.
I’m having a terrific time here, too. Right now, in spite of the pacemaker, I have atrial fibrillation. It’s probably more pronounced today because of the heavy lifting I’ve been doing in just the last few days. I’ve spent May 22, 23, 24, 25 and now 26, trying to make a little headway at cleaning all the crap out of the garage before you get back home. I chose to do it while you were gone so that you wouldn’t search through the trash cans as they wait up on the road to be picked up, and bring the thrown items back into the garage. When I finish (unless it finishes me) I hope to have a neat garage for us where both the car and the truck can be placed at night.
Please don’t bring home anymore of the following items [the words “of the following items” are underlined] to add to the gigantic pile of multiple, multiple stuff on your workbench and on the floor all around in the garage — things hardly (if ever) used by you — such things as multiple cans of bug spray, apoxy, miracle grow, grease solvent, wax remover, paint, paint remover, linseed oil, turpentine, joint cement, pledge, degreaser, oil soaker-upper from the garage floor, stuff to make roses (which we don’t have any of) bloom quicker, multiple kinds of caulking compound, carpet cleaner, mouse killer, d-con, flea and tick killer, spot remover, a never-used mechanical lawn-sweeper, many, many cans of insect repellent, rubber cement, nails of all kinds and sizes, screws of all kinds and sizes, all kinds of nuts and bolts and washers known to man, car washer fluid, armor-all, window-washer fluid, silicone something or other, weed killer, dandelion killer, four big torn open bags of grass seed — purchase dates ranging from 2000 up to 2004 — spilled on the garage floor and upon which the two garage cats poo and pee. Bags and bags of lawn fertilizer of various kinds of strength, at least 8 bags of de-icer (some open, some spilled), rubber door stops, fan belts — some of them so old they are rotten, — That’s just a part of it, but I think you get the picture because you never throw anything away, you just buy it, bring it home and throw it down. I can only believe that you have some sort of a secret desire to open up your own hardware store, or that you can’t remember that you just bought some of the same stuff less than a week ago. I’m tackling the horrible garage mess and what I don’t throw away or store, I’m taking from the garage to the barn where you have your 2003 new cart still in the box down there, and the 2004 mechanized scooter (which won’t carry you or anybody over 200 pounds) still in the box down there, etc.
If you are thinking the previous paragraph has been tedious reading, think about how tedious making a dent in this pile has been. I would have hired some help to make my task easier, but with no locks on the barn and no locks on the garage, I didn’t want a helper to take a look around and see what he might later want to come back and steal from you.
I wanted, while you were away, to tackle the probably bubonic-ridden trailer, also, with a mass throwing away and shoveling out (mostly shoveling out). But, alas, the monumental task of just making the garage a two-car garage again has been quite enough of a project for me this time while your [sic] away.
Seriously, Cliff, I do hope and pray that you will have a good time while you are in Arizona. It’s good to get away. When I was with John and Carroll in early May in Boise, I was so relaxed, happy and carefree, away from all the clutter and the mess, that I felt like I’d been given a new lease on life. On June 5th, at 7:30 P.M., (God willing) I’ll pick you up. But I swear I’ll take a ball-peen hammer to you if you dare take a look around the garage and say something to the effect of, “Dottie, where is that long, cement screw that was laying on the corner of my workbench?” 🙄
P.S. Thanks for telling me about the special feeding that you give to Blu-Z. I didn’t know about that. She’s been begging me for something and I didn’t realize that it was her “Temptations”. I’ll go take care of that right now, but it won’t be fed to her on the corner of your bed.
That’s everything except for the email addresses. I did not make up those smileyfaces, either. Although, I didn’t have anything to match the second one, so I used the one that best matched the sentiment. What do you think? Do Dottie and Cliff know the secret to a long, happy life together?